I have a ring on my right hand that has a quote inscribed. It says,”A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”
It is a reminder that we are on a life journey. All journeys are not easy. We are all on a journey and along the way there are mountains to climb and valleys to go through.
The reason why I chose the title “Being Me” was because I want to be real with you today. I am not perfect, haha I am far from perfect. I’ve been in a funk all week where I have been in bed, shutting out the world with messy ponytail hair, no makeup and a t-shirt and p.j. shorts. I had always high expectations of myself and expected to see myself in my own apartment, holding a steady job and working towards my major. None of those things are happening and it has felt like a huge disappointment.
Right now I am going through depression and anxiety which has led to a compulsive disorder of cutting. I am going to a therapist and taking medication to help my brain to switch from “survival mode/stress” to “living mode/normal” Talk therapy is actually really cool. Therapists are there to help guide your thoughts in ways that are positive and encouraging. From a young age I have bottled my feelings up and my therapist says “feelings tend to claw themselves out one way or another.” Because I automatically bottle up my feelings, my feelings have manifested themselves in the form of cutting. I have struggled with this battle for as long as I could remember. It had started when I was about ten and has developed over time into something that may be scars forever. As of this year, I have decided it was time to get help. I was exhausted of fighting myself everyday and being so critical and negative. I have been trying to accept my feelings and be angry when I feel angry and cry when I need to cry and be real. I made some big changes and am taking steps forward to being a better me.
I stopped dancing. Dance to many people is a form of therapy but for me dance was a nightmarish battle with myself. I was in front of a mirror being critical of myself and speaking negative things over myself to the point where I could barely look in the mirror. I put a tremendous pressure upon myself. I also struggle with an injury called Perineal Tendonitis where the tendon inside my foot cramps up and becomes painful. It happens when there is strain on the feet and I’ve pushed through it to the point where it hurts to even walk. Instead I am now focusing on Yoga and intensive body cardio to stay healthy and fit.
A major lifestyle change happened as well. I had a scary allergic reaction to gluten and made a choice to cut out all my favorite breads, pasta, flour and wheat made foods out of my life and it has been working out really well. I have been feeling better and learning how to balance my meals out. There are some great gluten free recipes out there and it feels like I am not missing out. Pretty exciting!
Lately, I have been doing a devotional book called ” Calm My Anxious Heart” by Linda Dillow as a bible study with an amazing mentor. It teaches us how to be content in life and be in the moment. I absolutely recommend it and I love it. Right now, I am in a season where I feel so far from God. It is strange how my soul longs for Him, yet feels so distant. I’ve been trying to seek Him and I know I will find Him once again. He loves us so deeply no matter where we are in our walk with Him.
As for school, I am finishing up my general education at Cal State Fullerton and preparing for a transfer. I have decided to switch my major to interior design. It was always a dream at the back of my mind and I never had the guts to actually make it happen till now. I honestly do not even know what is going to happen. I may switch again but hey, you never know until you try right?
I’ve been to the beach, painting, meeting friends and trying to live life. It has been great. I am so thankful for each and every person in my life. They have done nothing but support me and encourage me. Thanks friends!
I have some fears about my life and where I want to be but I chose to be brave and step forward. I am still figuring out who I am and who I want to be. It is a journey. My goals are to accept myself, to trust fully in God and to be content with where I am. I want to grow into a better person each day.
This is who I am as a person. I make mistakes, I struggle with some real issues but I chose to believe there will be something good out of this season in life. This is Me.
If you ever want to talk, let me know in the comments. I am here for you.